A Dream Deferred

In 2010, I was in Asheville, North Carolina at a business mastermind, not knowing anything about entrepreneurship or having a business. My coach asked us to write down a dream that seems totally impossible right now, but that we would be absolutely thrilled about. Dream BIG! I found it really hard. I’ll never forget the difficulty of actually allowing myself to wish. To dream. It was almost painful. There was so much resistance and fear. I found this fascinating, and over the years as an entrepreneur, I realized I was experiencing a fear of disappointment. A fear of wishing for something and not having it actually materialize. I think of the poem, “Harlem,” by Langston Hughes. Essentially, the poem asks the question, “What happens to a dream deferred?” A dream that is repeatedly put off or delayed? And while there is so much historical depth in this poem specifically related to social justice (check out the full episode to hear more about this), I want to address how the wisdom within it also extends to our own dreams for ourselves and our communities. And what happens when we don’t allow ourselves to actualize them… or even dream in the first place. There are so many pieces to how and why we defer our dreams. It’s for sure part of a capitalist society that tells us nothing will ever be enough and we won’t ever be enough. Especially for those of us who grew up poor in a capitalist society. Then there’s the piece of the patriarchal society that tells people socialized as womyn that we aren’t even allowed to dream.  Variations are present in all oppressive systems. For me, this all brings up the reasons I didn’t often dream. And how devastating it felt to feel my dreams wither away or watch my friends’ and family’s dreams not materialze, making it feel even more impossible as they faded away. When my clients try to dream, I often see the same hesitation. Whether it’s a soul-aligned job or business, true intimacy with a lover, or even a sense of safety, peace, and calm, it’s not unusual for me to hear, “Nah, I can’t even imagine that.” So if we’re lucky enough to even know what we want most, we can still be unwilling to even imagine the possibility that we can manifest it. We’re afraid of being disappointed. Of the shame that may follow. Of that shit-talking inner critic who tells us we aren’t good enough or that we don’t deserve it. All of that… the fear of disappointment… is actually rooted in what we make it mean about ourselves if we were to fail. This often stems from things our caregivers or other family, friends, teachers (etc.) said to us as we were growing up. Or maybe even later in life in those pivotal relationships along the way.  That we shouldn’t dream so big or expect too much. That dreaming is for others. But if we want to be able to create it, we have to be able to imagine it. Right? Then we can get to the task of believing we can create it. The things that keep us from dreaming and from deferring the dreams we do have are rooted in how we are socialized and theoppressive milieu we may exist in. This is why the act of dreaming is an act of rebellion. This is why manifesting our dreams is an act of rebellion. So start with your dream. Remember, DREAM BIG. Imagine it now. Don’t try to be noble. Allow yourself to want what you want. Will it bring you true happiness?  If not, do you at least like your reasons for wanting it? When I allowed myself to dream big all those years ago, I wanted a house in the mountains and a house on the beach. I liked my reasons, even though they weren’t