Red Flags in Relationships

As you’ve probably figured out, relationships - especially intimate relationships - are a place we have the potential to grow in a deep way… and can be similarly challenged.<br /><br />One of the things I learned from was in my pattern of disregarding red flags. I used to ignore things that should have caused me to pause and say, “Hey - let’s investigate this further. Let’s talk about this, because it doesn’t feel right.”<br /><br /> I have some compassion for myself here. I had a history where I didn’t even have boundaries (or they were constantly violated) in my primary caregiving relationships. Maybe you’ve experienced this too. It can make knowing when to speak out about something really unclear and confusing - especially when this pattern happens in early childhood.<br /><br /> Speaking for myself, I ignore red flags like the partner who took forever to start telling other people they were in a relationship. And the other who had to put back at least 2-3 shots of whiskey before we went out. And the other who quickly tucked their phone away when I walked in the room.<br /><br /> Some of us may have had a partner who was suddenly emotionally labile and verbally abusive. Or who grabbed you a little too firmly… or groped your best friend.<br /><br /> When red flags start to surface in your dynamic, it’s not necessarily time to say, <br />“I’m out!” (although it can be). But it can also be a moment of reassessment. A time to take a step back, reflect, and even talk about it.<br /><br /> It’s also important to ask ourselves if we’re in a place where we can stay connected to our truth and values. To our true selves, our authentic selves. Because when we’re not and we ignore red flags that our true self is trying to warn us about, we end up betraying ourselves.<br /><br /> When we see the red flag and make a conscious decision in that moment to ignore it and move forward anyway - disconnected from our true self - we end up with a relationship built on unhealthy foundations and attachment patterns.<br /><br /> This is where we may start seeing toxic relationships or codependency further down the line.<br /><br /> Then, suddenly, we wake up to how toxic that relationship has become or how unhappy we are and we decide we’re ready to end things… and it’s really hard to actually do it. Even if it’s a place of suffering for us.<br /><br /> And we’re like, “why is it so dang hard when this is clearly messed up?”<br /><br /> The phrase “I’ve lost myself in this relationship” comes to mind here. For me, if I’ve lost my sense of self, it’s highly likely that I’m going to feel crappy when I’m alone. The idea is actually really scary.<br /><br /> Add to this our attachment styles and we find the idea of being alone - of being with only ourselves - a lot more activating, right?<br /><br /> But it’s important to remember here that if we leave and just move on without addressing the codependency and all that, we are likely going to see those same patterns arise in a different relationship.<br /><br /> So why do we gloss over those red flags? And why does that mean shit will go sideways from there?<br /><br /> One main reason is the way we naturally show up in our default patterns in a relationship can come from a place where we are wanting to heal our old wound, so we actually look for scenarios where we can play that out.<br /><br /> How are those default patterns formed?<br /><br /> They often stem from our early childhood experiences and the insecurities that arise from them. This makes sense, because that’s the timeframe we are literally BUILT to assess what the world around us is like and what we need to do to survive. <br /><br /> When we experience painful things in those early years, we are developmentally prone to thinking it’s because of who we are or something we did - we feel that we m