August 31, 2023 on Planet 93.9 with Dave and Darren — “Retribution,” “Golda,” and “The Hill”

Mike Schulz and Dave Levora tell Darren Pitra that Retribution was just as bad as they hoped it would be: Liam Neeson commits too much emotion on behalf of Matt Turner, a character trapped in an absurd premise; and his two bairns, Emily (Lilly Aspell) and Zach (Jack Champion), have the audience — well, two of them at least — actively rooting against their continued existence. Schulz deplores the film’s bad plotting, for which director Nimród Antal deserves obloquy, and excessive overwriting, which dings Chris Salmanpour. Unfortunately, Salmanpour’s commitment to detail does not preclude him from allowing logical plot howlers to pass along unacknowledged. It’s the kind of bad that makes one angry for having ponied up the dough for admission; the kind that has one talking throughout the film about how bad it is. Pitra asks Schulz if this is the worst film of the year so far, but Schulz had to concede that, no, the Celine Dion one (Love Again) still holds the prize. Right after Retribution ended, Schulz walked into Guy Nattiv’s Golda, starring Helen Mirren as Golda Meier, the Israeli prime minister whose armies had to fend off a coalition of Arab-state aggressors, overseen by Egypt and Syria, for two weeks and five days in October 1973. Schulz hasn’t much to say about that one, other than Mirren is solid in the role — leaving one with the implication that people who really know their Israeli history will get the most out of it. (“It’s solid, it’s strong, it’s gone.”) Then there’s Jeff Celentano’s The Hill, a biographical sports-drama about Rickey Hill (Colin Ford), set in Texas in the mid-Seventies. Hill overcame the handicap of his spinal disease, which required him to wear leg braces, in order to impress a scout, sign up with the Montreal Expos, and play four seasons of Major League Baseball. Now, how can one go wrong with such a premise? “By making everything so unbelievably phony and forced and laughably, laughably bad,” says Schulz. Dennis Quaid may have the least savory role in the film as Pastor Hill, who fears for Rickey’s safety and wants him to go into the family business of preaching the gospel. When Hill fils defies him and goes for it, Hill père decides to double down on his swinishness, telling his congregation that he’s proud that he hasn’t seen one of Ricky’s games. Proud! It’s apparent that the senior Hill was angling for his own record, that of Worst Father of the Seventies — okay, the mid-Seventies, given that the Rev Jim Jones would offer some stiff competition later in the decade. Now, concerning previews, Levora and Schultz saw the one for The Equalizer 3, which took Levora by surprise, as he wasn’t even aware that this film existed, let alone made and ready for viewing. It appears that Denzel Washington has established his own franchise, and all under Levora’s radar. Schulz says he didn’t care for the first Equalizer and didn’t get a chance to see the second, but the preview was such that he found himself saying, “How bad could it be?” A question whose answer was apparent immediately for Retribution. Will Equalizer 3 be to Washington what Retribution was to Neeson? Well, it’s unlikely that there will be a Retribution 2: Brand New Vehicle; but if the worst thing that happens is that folks like Levora and Schulz talk over your performance during its runtime, then both Neeson and Washington would be doing pretty good, no? And, uh, Bottoms is opening up this weekend, so. . . go see that. . . looks good. . . Porkies for women. . . why did they have to give it that title? “Retribution,” “Golda,” and “The Hill”