Decolonize Your Mind - A Story of My Mother and Me

This week I want to share a story about my mom… and the joy of lifting a burden that was not mine. Recently, I attended a daylong council held by one of my teachers on the Big Island. It also happened to be my mom’s birthday (she died in 2017), so while I was there with an intention of gaining clarity of what the last 50 years of my life have been about (and what the next chapter would be), it was also a day of remembering her.<br /> My teacher had us all pick a card from a deck of dharma tarot cards she had created, and I chose my card, admired the artwork, read the quote, and began to cry. The weight of the recent past, as well as the heaviness of my immigrant mother’s wishes and dreams of me, became apparent.<br /> It was a quote from Reggie Ray, a Tibetan Buddhist Vajrayana practitioner:<br /> Dharma is not about credentials. It’s not about how many practices you’ve done, or how peaceful you can make your mind. It’s not about being in a community where you feel safe or enjoying the cachet of being a “Buddhist.” It’s not even about accumulating teachings, empowerments, or “spiritual accomplishments.” It’s about how naked you’re willing to be with your own life, and how much you’re willing to let go of your masks and your armor and live as a completely exposed, undefended, and open human person.<br /> This teaching came after my recent conversation with teachers I’ve had about the burden I was feeling to do all these “teacher trainings” so I could receive “approval” to share the dharma in a deeper way. The prospect of taking 3 months out of my life to do a 3-month retreat and pay for it and additional trainings seemed… daunting.<br /> I felt angry that it seemed set up for the privileged…and it is.<br /> Finally, one of my BIPOC teachers said, “Ana, why do you feel the need to do that? You can keep doing what you’re already doing. Living the dharma and sharing it with others.” She told me I’d done enough, I was doing enough still. And I didn’t need that “colonizer thinking” that I had to get even more approval and pay more money to be enough (I’m already certified in teaching meditation and mindfulness etc)..<br /> Then I pull this card. And the quote touched beyond my insecurity around sharing the dharma. It reminded me of all my credentials that took time, money, and energy, as well as leaving my family for big chunks of time: 4 graduate degrees, 6 coaching certifications, 5 specialist certifications…it goes on.<br /> And while some of this was from a love of learning, it was also me not feeling like I was…enough.<br /> I was afraid that if I didn’t have that degree or certification, that people would prefer someone else.<br /> But the reality is I didn’t need ALL the things I’ve paid to do to be as good at what I do. The degrees from fancy schools may be why some people first check me out, but they decide to work with me because of how I show up with them (at least this is what they tell me;).<br /> Yet, I usually don’t remember that I’m not my degrees.<br /> This makes sense. The capitalist society most of us live in based on instilling a fear that we’re not enough as we are. That it’s who we’re associated with that will keep us safe and employed and secure. That we can earn more and pay more and everything will be okay.<br /> What I didn’t know was that I had spent many years thinking I was just playing the game, but not getting sucked in. I mean, I grew up poor. I knew better than to buy into that BS, right? I had been happy t