The 3 Rs of Emotional Regulation

This is the podcast where you learn how to become a calm parent and raise emotionally healthy kids, but what do emotional health and emotional regulation actually mean? Today I’m sharing a framework from the book, “What Happened To You?” and outlining the 3 Rs of emotional regulation. You can start using these simple concepts right away to help calm yourself and coach your kid when they’re having big feelings.   What Is Emotional Health?When I talk about emotional health (which is the goal of all my programs), I'm really talking about emotional literacy. Emotional literacy is made up of three parts: I know what I'm feelingI know how to talk about what I'm feelingI know what to do with my feelingsWe all have an emotional life, with lots of messy stuff inside. We're constantly responding to experiences and stimulation from the outside world. As things happen around us, we have thoughts and feelings about it. And those feelings show up as behavior. When we are overwhelmed by a circumstance or it feels like we're in danger or something bad is about to happen, we get flooded with a lot of big feelings. When our kids act out these feelings, it often looks like temper tantrums or meltdowns. I call it a Big Feeling Cycle. When an adult gets overwhelmed, it looks like them freaking out, losing their shit and being a hot mess. In these times, we are dysregulated. Our brain is flooded with hormones and chemicals that are meant to help us deal with a stressful situation and keep us safe. The brain wants us to respond FAST. But it ends up looking like someone who is out of control, wild or raging. I want to help you see that that behavior is really just somebody who's struggling to manage their emotions. They're doing their best to move through their big feelings. They're in a dysregulated state, and they're doing things to regulate themselves.Knowing what to do with feelings is the biggest thing I help parents learn - for themselves and for their kids.  Three Rs of Emotional RegulationWhen you find yourself yelling at your kids, lecturing or grabbing their bodies, you are dysregulated. Your stress response is activated and you are seeking regulation. In kids, dysregulation often looks like crying, kicking, punching, threatening or yelling. It is helpful to remember in those moments that your child is using those behaviors as tools to cope with the overwhelm. They are trying to regulate themselves, but they don't really know how to do it in an acceptable way yet. These 3 Rs come from the book "What Happened To You" by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. RhythmRhythm involves moving your body in some kind of rhythmic way. It is what we do during a Pause Break. You take a break to move your body and your mind. Stomping your feet, jumping up and down, going for a walk or doing a shimmy shake are all ways that we use rhythm and movement to calm ourselves. RelationshipThis can mean your relationship with yourself or with others. In your relationship with yourself, this looks like self-compassion. Being able to put your hand on your heart and say, "Geez, this is hard. I'm very overwhelmed. These kids are a lot. I'm having a hard day." In relatio